There came this one day when I was looking back to my older files: text files, documents, ramblings, stuff from way back–and then I found this file written with my thoughts. I saw the date and it was modified way back in May 26, 2009, when I was 15. That’s more than 2 years ago.
So here are its contents:
It’s really an awesome thing to write down everything that happens to your life. But when you think about how lame and bland your life is, nothing comes in your mind when you write. Giving up slowly, wasting time with things.
I should change now. Be like the guys out there who just have fun, unminding every situation happening in their lives at the moment—how poor they are, how they’re out of money and just take their time on playing basketball and playing worthless outdoor games.
But really, it’s hard to change your life; it’s hard to change your mind to things that you want.
What I really want? To have fun. I’m wasting my teenage life.
But when I try to have fun, I end up being sad instead. So who to knock on? Which door?
Yes, God. That guy I failed. He loves me, yet I’m so confused and so tired to love him back.
I know what He’s going to do, I know His plans—a long time ago at that, but changing your thoughts, or simply renewing your mind is difficult.
Yes, you understand that. You’re some effeminate guy who’s struggling to be what you want, but what you aren’t and you try to seek God and have a hard time because you’re trying to be…what you are not.
The truth sucks.
It sucks badly.
I want to be like every guy. I want to have fun, I want to hang out (in a decent manner, for your info) in streets and by houses, having the best time of my life—while there’s still time.
I want to be free.
So damn. I wanna be a better version of me, so I can finally seek You. ‘Coz right now, I can’t. I’m shot down to the floor, and I can’t get up.
End of .doc file.
At that time, I was really pressuring myself. I felt sooo damn pressured by my own insecurities and the people around me. That’s why I wanted to have fun and ignore that pressure. But…I couldn’t. I just couldn’t seem to be happy. I couldn’t be like every other teenager, who I thought once had what they needed (confidence, appeal, etc).
The church, the family, the voices in my head keeps saying that I’m not good enough, that I’m never better, and that my struggles can’t get me qualified to approach God. And I fail Him that time. I was ignoring Him, I wasn’t praying, I was procrastinating and being complacent.
I remember that one time, when I was 13, when one preacher got me to flooding tears because of how hurting, condemning and downright “challenging” his words on the pulpit were. So, his words weren’t directly being said to me, but they hurt so much because I know it’s me. I know it’s me who’s not good enough. I know it’s me who’s not in the capability to be what he was telling the church to be. What did I feel? I felt pity for myself. I wasn’t meeting the requirements.
And that’s when I decided to just ignore God since I wasn’t “qualified enough to be Christian”.
And you know… that just might be what a lot of those who couldn’t come to God are thinking of right now. That they don’t seem to be “qualified” at all.
Months and years pass, and it’s all me, enthralling myself in a computer game, developing a game as well, ignoring God and just letting myself go with the flow, but still keeping myself seem good at the same time.
It was April of 2010 when I decided to recommit myself to God, but I was still pressured. I still didn’t feel at ease. Recommitting myself didn’t seem to work out, and looking at the outcome of churches these days, that doesn’t seem to be the point either.
I was desperately trying to find my way back again. I was straying far from God, and then I would go back to Him, vice versa. I thought He’d smite me whenever I make a mistake, or He’d even blot my name out. My image of Him had been distorted. The struggle to obtain God’s approval didn’t seem to end.
And only until now (of recent), have I realized, that we are already approved.
That, we are already found. We are already made new.
That…it’s Jesus’ blood who’s finished it all for us who believe.
And only until now have I realized how Christianity is so twisted and far from the FREEDOM and GRACE that Christ offers.
I look around and I hear messages like “go and be better”, “renew your commitment”, “prove yourself”, and “do good works”. None of it I could associate with the word FREEDOM.
But we are already free. It is Christ who did all the qualifying for us.
Christ is the Hope, Hope, that God is a loving God, and a God who keeps us wrapped in His arms, and never ever has any intentions of letting us go.
But, I’m still trying to grasp that, entirely. I’m still trying to break from the pressures I have from my mind saying “I still ain’t in the right direction.”, “I still have to qualify.”, That “I’m still such a sinful miscreant.”
But those are lies…Lies that I still seem to believe.
Still, it is Jesus’ blood that keeps us. We don’t have to prove a thing. We need to truly believe, to live by faith in Him and what He has accomplished for us.
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” -Galatians 2:20
I know those thoughts I had in 2009 are still in my mind right now at some point. My journey seems like a weird, confusing, and one filled with doubts and fear….I want them to just go away. But, we’ll see what happens. God is still in control.