A Prayer Story

He opens his eyes and welcomes the brand new day. He rises up and kneels down on the ground, at the side of his own bed. He knew that talking to God was a wise thing to do to start with his day.

“God,” he begins.

He lets out a sigh. He doesn’t really know if he’s praying right.

“God, thank you for everything…thank you for your gift of life, thank you for all the blessings… and…”

He stops for a while, and seems to be angry at himself; for what he’s feeling, perhaps…

“God…can I be honest with you?”

He paused a while, breathing in and out, closing his eyes, voicing out to God with all he could.

“How do I even communicate with you? Is this right?” he continues, his words shaking, “I don’t know. I’m afraid you might be mad if I said something wrong, if I said something that would insult you… something that’s not such a respectful approach. But, God, I’m tired… It’s time I became truly honest. Oh no…would you even still love me?”

Ugh. This is difficult. He thinks to himself. God, I don’t know.

But he begins to speak his prayer again. “Lord, I don’t know what to ask. Strength? Wisdom? Financial provision? I don’t know… it doesn’t seem to make sense at all. Am I even praying to you in a right way?”

God, please.

“God, I ask you to be more open to me, and to share yourself so I could know how very real you are… I know, I doubt you sometimes, Lord. I doubt myself. I don’t know if my faith is even authentic or if I’m just fooling myself with what I’m saying right now. But… I have a lot of fears and frustrations. I’m just so at a conundrum right now…

“God, I know you’re there. You’ve said so. You’ll never leave me, nor forsake me. I don’t know how I can make it, continuing like this… I know, people might think I’m foolish, or people might try to correct me, or  rebuke me, or try to fix my broken pieces… well, I don’t want to feel this way at all, yet going against it just seemed harder.

“I don’t feel fine at all.”

He pauses after that, not knowing what to say anymore. It’s just so hard to pray when you just don’t feel like it… It’s just not right. I don’t feel right. I don’t feel as if I’m in a position to even approach Him right now…

I feel like a hypocrite, keeping myself together, when I actually feel like I’m fooling myself. I’m a sinner. I’m an idiot.

He rises up from his kneeling, and decides to start his day, but then, at some point, he still wanted to speak to God… he had to. He knew he needed to.

“God,” he began to pray again, kneeling on the floor, “God. Despite of all that I feel, despite of all my questions…despite everything…I’ll still believe that you love me. I’ll still believe that you’ll pull me through all this. So, please, please stay with me. Please, God, be with me and never let me go. I don’t know… I’m not being a good son. I’m not being a good worshipper. I feel terrible. So, please, God, never let go….

Please…never let go.

Is this enough? Is this right? Is this how I should pray?

“In Jesus’ mighty Name. Amen.”

He got up, and worked up a forced smile. Better get ready for school.

But, wait, He thought. He went for the Bible near his bed, and opened it, his eyes automatically set on the verse he saw, highlighted by a marker – Philippians 1:6. And he read it aloud.

“He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”

He smiled. That was a good enough encouragement.

God, I trust you.

He went out of his bedroom, and down the stairs, ready to face the world.

Notes: This is a short story I wrote. The man was being honest to God about how he felt, and so am I… His prayer is all my heart has been shouting all the while. I’m covered with doubt and anxiety, though I know I shouldn’t be. It feels as if I haven’t reached where I should be yet. But, like the man in the story, he trusted God and just as Philippians 1:6 says, he’ll complete whatever he has finished.

 It may sound as if it’s an excuse to not do anything (since Jesus will complete me anyway), and I’m still questioning myself whether I am right with this or not, but I have to just trust Him. I don’t need to try or seek insurance, because it’s Jesus alone who saves me! Not my good works, not my actions, not who I am. Though I am shaking, and fearful, because of the knowledge of how terrible I am, I… I still don’t know. I still need to find out. I still need to see whether I am in the light, or whether I have to get to some level or reach some floor to truly say that “I am in the light”.

 So, thanks for reading all of this. It’s just me being honest. ^_^

Related posts:
No Matter What
A Thinking Story
Times of Honesty

11 thoughts on “A Prayer Story

  1. I really appreciate your honesty here friend, because I believe it shows what I bet many of us really go through. I’m extremely grateful for the Bible, because it’s full of His words and love for us! I believe FAITH, just like LOVE, is more of a choice. Our feelings aren’t wrong, but we can’t always trust them, because they will waiver according to circumstance ~ that’s exactly what FAITH is for ~ we CHOOSE to have faith and love even when we don’t FEEL like it. I don’t think you are wrong for your feelings at all and because God made us to have them, I believe He wants us to honestly share them. What’s important is that despite what we feel, we will continue to believe what we have learned and KNOW about Him. Good write, God’s peace for you and bless your faith!

    • Yes! God bless you, too, and may He show His plans and ways to you unlike never before! I believe honesty is an important thing to be able to be truly comfortable with God and see Him as our Lord, and glad I helped out with this story. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts as well!

  2. Absolutely brilliant, that’s what this is, and honest too. You see,so many times when we pray we just say a whole bunch of stuff that we think needs to be said to God. You know, the ‘thank you’s for the world and life’ and what have you. But we forget to truly reveal ourselves to Him and just be honest.
    Its brilliant when you can just tell God about your fears and uncertainties, your weaknesses and whatever else you think might be holding you back. Its like when you admit it to God you open this door that’ll eventually lead to awesomeness…hope I’m not babbling to much. I just really liked your post:)

    • No worries! I appreciate your comment! It’s true that honesty is an important thing to make us feel comfortable talking with God. I just don’t get it how it isn’t given much importance nowadays. And the fact that the word ‘honest’ only appears in the Bible 11 times.

  3. I saw you commented on my post at bloodstainedink.wordpress.com. Having visited your site in return, I can now see why. Very well said, friend. Very well said indeed. May Jesus continue to strengthen your faith even as you continue to be honest with him. And on that note, I want to suggest that you take a look at the following post on my site: “Big Enough for Hate Mail: Psalm 88.” To me, that is a source on unbelievable encouragement. Blessings.

  4. It’s me again. After posting my comment above, I kept poking around your site and decided to subscribe. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I think you might enjoy subscribing to my site as well. I think you and I are talking about some of the same things, and I think we might really springboard well off of one another. Just a thought.

  5. We’re all tempted to believe we’re not saved, so you’re not alone in that department :). I really liked your notes at the end, “I just have to trust Him.” Yes and amen! I am so thankful to God that we really don’t have to do anything for salvation, but only have to trust in Him.

    “Though I am shaking, and fearful, because of the knowledge of how terrible I am, I… I still don’t know. I still need to find out. I still need to see whether I am in the light, or whether I have to get to some level or reach some floor to truly say that “I am in the light”.”

    No need to worry, from what I can see you are most definitively in “the light”. I believe It’s only possible to write the Gospel in such a compelling, heartfelt, and truthful manner if you’re saved. What I do when I start to doubt is remind myself of this verse:

    17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5:17-19)

    In your blog, you’re “reconciling” people to Christ. Therefore, you must be one to whom ‘he has committed the message’, which also means you must be “in Christ.” Praise be to God. :)

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