I so hate failure.
I so hate consequences.
I so hate regrets.
Come on. Everyone says to live in EXCELLENCE. Make every move, every action, the best that we can. But why am I like this? I don’t really see that as the big point.
Let me tell you this. I seem to hate myself whenever I fail to meet people’s expectations. Even if I really don’t live by that. It’s just the thing of how they see me whenever I do fail that I can’t live with.
And…I don’t want excellence.
I don’t want responsibility.
I feel like it’s just so much weight that I have to let go and let God.
But, is it wrong?
I want.. God to excel for me.
I want.. God to be responsible for me.
Is that too much? Is that an immature thing to ask?
Because I feel like it’s just my way of ESCAPING, feigning reality.
Because if I open my eyes, I can foresee the consequences – mainly due to my actions, or rather, my LACK of action..
And if I open my ears, I hear so much false truths, and so much agendas focusing on EFFORT, EXCELLENCE, striving, and, as I can see, priorities that focus on self, and even love, it is indulgent…
Somehow, I want to run away. Run and dive into the surreal world where I can truly say and believe that “Everything will be okay”.
But that’s what faith is about…believing the unseen.
I guess my concern is just, the way the world works. I don’t want to fit in.
What could be the way? Is this the way? Is this okay?
As I open my eyes, I can see the consequences I may reap, due to what I sow…