My days in school had a lot of mixed up memories. Now that I’m older, looking back, there were things I could have changed. It would have been great if I made the most out of the time as a teenager. But like most kids – I was often just going along and letting things be..
The prevailing memory I’ve had back then was how I was caring so much about what others thought about me and ending up falling short. Somehow I grew up adapting that way of thinking where people’s eyes, scores and judgments needed to be regarded a lot. That seed made much anxiety bloom and I was a wreck on the inside. I was awkward and often thought I was disregarded. That people could stand on their own and I couldn’t.
Instead of focusing on what I could, I looked at what I couldn’t.
After all those math tests, those times when I was on the honor roll and those times that I was not.. when I pooped in my pants, won that contest, went through so much for the sake of getting a grade… what did matter in the end?
And looking at it makes me sad. How I went to it just to go through it. How I wasn’t guided and given direction that really mattered in the long run. How I thought there was a lot of time but now I see seven years ago like it was yesterday.
And for a lot of students, it is the same. I see a lot who could use some direction. Some empowerment. But the world’s ways is different, and there’s always going to be people at the top and at the bottom. Does it have to be like that?
When I went to college I thought maybe I could start a brand new slate. Maybe things would be better. But it didn’t turn out that way, and after 15 months in college, I stopped going.
I look back and see how the school’s system could really benefit someone and push him to learn.
If I ever go back to college from here, the only thing I wish for are friends. Friends who are like family, who won’t let go of me.
But would anyone else see the value of life outside of aiming for a high grade? People going to these big universities are either too occupied to even make new friends. So my hopes aren’t so high up.