Screaming Uncertainties


Passive, screaming…”ACTIVE!!!”
Active, screaming… “PASSIVE!!!”
Rest, screaming, work.
Work, screaming, rest..
Less, screaming, MORE.
More, screaming…..even more….

Uneasy because grace is too scandalous. Because it just isn’t simply “wise” to trust in what we can’t see.. and that which we can’t see, actually loves us and takes care of all that we ever need. If we trust, yet we don’t see any results, would that mean that.. that which we give our trust to is failing?

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A Year Since “No Matter What”


I just had this realization that it has been over a year since I’ve written Greyskeil Rainbow’s most popular post = No Matter What. If you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to do so. It’s a short story I’ve written with most of my thoughts, my emotions, about what God might be thinking and that battle against self-doubt.

It’s a bit stupid to think that it has beena year, and yet, somehow, I still don’t grasp this clearly, or..I feel as if I’m not in the right position yet. But, actually, there is no need to over complicate things. But, I actually do.

Being a Christian isn’t easy. There are times when we doubt God, and sometimes…we doubt ourselves.

No Matter What highlights some of these thoughts that I have also been anxious about in the past (and sometimes even now).

“I am being clouded by fearful imaginations,
That the day might come when I will fail you, Lord.
And that I might not stand in front of you,
That you would reject me.”

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Spelling Words and Love


I just watched the 2005 movie, Akeelah and the Bee. I have loved spelling even
as a kid, but this movie presented so much words that I wasn’t familiar of. The
wide variety of words out there..it’s amazing.

So what made the movie so special for me?

First off, the movie presented so much about how we seem to be unsure of
ourselves. We doubt ourselves, we fear what is to come, and other than that, the
people around us may not show much support and optimism about the path we
take.

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Greyskeil Stories #1 – When I’m Alone


Note: This is a short story I’ve worked on. Happy new year, everyone.

He’s at his room, and everyone else in his family was out. There he was, sitting cross-legged on his bed, head rested on the wall, staring at the ceiling…thinking.

Sigh. The silence. It’s not that pretty much a good thing, I guess.

I used to be so accustomed…to silence. Yet now, it is all but a harsh thing to deal with. It was a gap that needed to be filled. That’s why it feels so uncomfortable…

Back then, I was used to the stillness. I find its comfort a sweet treat during all my times. Yet now…it’s different. Things change and time moves by.

Back then, when things with God seemed so clear…so simple. Now it’s full of confusion. I don’t know which road to take…

He was always thinking, always had those gears in his mind moving – rotating and winding.

There was a lot of discomfort in that aloneness.

Should I do something? Like, work on a long-time goal?
This stillness is getting uncomfortable.
So, who am I, when I’m alone?
Who am I in this distinction, of being locked up in a cage where it’s all me and myself riding the mount towards the path of life?

He knew he seemed crazy. He knew that no ordinary person would be questioning himself with such matters. Perhaps he was just way too introspective. Perhaps…he was just way too confused and psycho.

To break the silence – there it was, his phone, ringing on the end table. He discarded his thoughts for a while and immediately answered the phone.

“Hello? Jenro?”

He knew who it was immediately.

“Oh, Munin. It’s you, as always…uh, glad you called.” Jenro said. Forming a smile on his face.

“Yeah. Sure. What’s up, man?”

Jenro stood from the bed, and walked towards the window to catch some signal.

“There’s no one at home, and I’m just…thinking out loud here. It’s kind of weird.”

“Figures, Jenro,” Munin replied, “I remember when you used to be so acquainted with your aloneness. I remember you muddled at a corner when we were younger, always mysterious and still. So calm.”

“Yeah…I kind of like myself in that way, rather than now. I’ve certainly changed Munin. I’m losing that acquainted feeling…I have… with my aloneness.”

With that, Jenro breathed a sigh.

“I’m sorry if I’m not able to be there, like, right now…I’ve got errands.”

“No, no, that’s fine. Thanks a lot.”

“Sure. If you need help, I’ll be right here.”

“Thanks again, Munin.”

With that, Munin ended the call.

Phew. Now, what to do?

Jenro put down the phone and looked at himself in the mirror. He just…looked at himself. He saw…how different he was. How he changed through the years.

I’ve changed, huh? I mean. I look different. I act…a little bit different. It’s quite a shaky thought, really…

As Jenro was looking, the doorbell rang. He went downstairs to see who it was.

It was Jethro, one of his cousins.

“Jenro. Hi.”

“Jeth. What brought you here?”

Jethro cleared his throat, before speaking. “I kind of felt like I wanted to check up on you, so I did. You know, jjust wondered if you wanted to talk about things, or share a deep conversation.”

Jenro smiled. He liked deep conversations.

Jenro motioned Giosef inside his house, and both of them sat on their living room sofa.

“All alone?” Jeth mentioned.

“Yeah. Well, partly. I’ve still got God with me, remember?” Jenro said, putting up a smirk.

What Jenro and his cousin had in common was their same faith-roots, and they had almost agreed about everything concerning faith. They were both from a Christian family, and Jenro always liked talking to his cousin.

“You’re right. God will never leave us. He’s a faithful God.” Jeth said, “So what you thinking about as of recent?”

Jenro thought about his words. “Well, as of recent, I’ve been think about…umm…changing. You see…I’m…not that kind of person that I was before.

“There are a lot of things that I’ve went through, and a lot of stuff that I’ve adapted to bring forth the change within me, and I don’t know if that’s positive or negative, at all.” Jenro added.

“I get your point.” Jeth nodded.

“I still feel weak. I still feel as if I’m not strong enough…to overcome these things. I’m caught between having the will to fight them, or just letting them be and just doing nothing, waiting, for God to make His way into these changes.”

“And what are those changes within you that’s been springing?”

“First off, I’ve lost my acquaintance to being by myself. That stillness that I once had isn’t there anymore. Second, I’ve been a lot more frustrated and I’ve been worrying a lot…especially about this thing about faith and God, and about my salvation. It’s making me grow thinner, and lose my appetite a lot more.”

“But, Jenro…you have nothing to worry about. We can’t earn salvation. It’s a free gift, and it’s God alone who keeps it.”

“But, I want to make sure…but then, I’m still doubting a lot. I’m doubting myself so much, thinking that I’m not good enough for Him. Something tells me I shouldn’t dismiss these thoughts either.”

“OK…before I talk, do you have any more concerns?” Jeth asked.

“Well…yeah. Third, I’m sort of…pressured. I know I’m not doing my best, especially for my family. Something makes me feel guilty about the little things. Dad thinks I should be more tough. But, I’m…not…”

“Anything else?”

“Well…”

“There must be something.” Jeth said, affirming Jenro, “You don’t have to be afraid about me knowing it.”

“Okay. Jeth…it’s about…my thoughts….somehow, my mind digs into…places. Places which I shouldn’t be moving into. I don’t know…it’s…it’s just…..”

Jenro sighed. And his heart felt a lot burdened by all that he said. He knew he couldn’t keep up with himself. He knew he couldn’t keep up with the people’s expectations of him. It’s hard, and he just felt his heart filled with so much weight.

“Jenro…listen.” Jeth held Jenro’s arm tightly, and looked him straight in the eyes.

Jenro tried to look back at his cousin, but he couldn’t.

“Jenro…this is not about you.”

“This is not about…what you should do. It’s not about what you should change… It’s not about trying harder to be better, to be more right than where you are now. Of course, the people around you may pressure you, to insist what they want that you just couldn’t.

“Jenro. All you need to do is rest. That’s what Jesus said to the weary and broken. You don’t have to do anything. Believe that God loves you so much. He will never do anything bad to you. He will never send His wrath upon you for the things that you do. Stop focusing on your sins, your shortcomings, and focus on the glory that is revealed in Christ Jesus, who gave up His life, to clothe you with rigtheousness. To make you right before God.

“You are a new creation now.”

Through all of Jeth’s words, Jenro was thinking deep. He knew…he just couldn’t seem to believe that. There’s something in his heart that makes it so hard…so hard to swallow.

Even if he wants to…even if he knows it’s the way through all this.

“Jeth, I… I can’t seem to get myself to believe that…” Jenro said, “I’ve heard it many times, but, I just, I can’t seem to–to get myself to a point where that’s what I breathe. I can’t seem to prove it…”

“Don’t try to prove it, because you’ll only hurt yourself. Rest and believe in God’s Grace. Allow His Grace, His Love, to complete you, and to know, and to experience that…you are loved.”

Jenro frowns. He knows all of that already. He has that realization about Grace as much, yes, but–there’s something wrong.

“I don’t know.” Jenro just shakes his head.

 

Painted by Lionel Penrose

The Endless Staircase


I remember a time in my life when I was innocent. When I was a child, I grew up far from the truth and reality of this world. Now I never knew how to cope up. Reality slowly dawns into me. The reality of our differences, the reality of life’s difficulties and all the questions and the darkness that was present that as a child I never really knew.

As a child, life seemed easier, everything so light, and nothing really mattered. I got all I wanted, and all that I needed, and I was pretty much happy. I loved the box I was in. But as I grew up, I found that life is more than those four corners alone. Life is complicated. At times, it can be hard on you. It was very uncomfortable coming out of the box and into the reality of the world.

It is a dog-eat-dog world. I found that life is a battle. A strife. For excellence, for success, for recognition. I found that there were a lot of teenagers who were better, smarter, and more reflexive. Teens who were more mature and strong than I was. I can compare life to a staircase– some at the top, some trying hard to get there, some helping others to reach that end.

            But where was I in that staircase? For some, they think of me as the person ahead of them; thinking that I know where I’m heading and they admire me for it.

            This is the world’s thinking of life. It’s about getting somewhere and reaching something.think of me as someone in the bottom, not really understanding life yet that much and not excelling the way I should. I couldn’t rank myself where I am in that staircase. At times, I think I’m at the top, at times, at the bottom.

I, however, did not go along this belief in life. I questioned myself, and didn’t really want to climb or reach anything. For me, it didn’t matter. I had dreams, I had goals and wants, but I questioned those, too. I figured I never really wanted it, since it wouldn’t matter if I couldn’t please the people around me with it. I wanted to make a statement about myself, but I couldn’t . I always followed what the others did, and so now…

I don’t know what I want.

When every teenager out there are firm in themselves, what they wanted and what they believed in, I, on the other hand, am not. I wanted to be like them – carefree and letting themselves flow with the river. But, I couldn’t do that.

I climb the stairs, not to prove myself, but to be loved and understood  and shaped to be the man that I haven’t become yet.

I wanted others to hear me out, to be interested in me, and to value me as somebody dear to them.

Time goes by. No one truly did those things for me. There were a few, but there were things like betrayal, disconnection, and selfishness that got in the way.

No one stepped out so that they could shape me and carry me. I still feel like a misguided child.

Then, one day, I just learned and told myself, “Why not just stop climbing?”. Why not just stop tiring yourself out for things that wouldn’t even really matter at all in the end?

Painted by Lionel Penrose  If I may find that I reach the top of the stairs – I’ll find that the stairs are actually endless.

And so at this moment, I am in no mood to climb or just do anything at all, for I know I’m not strong enough.

You may not understand me or what I think.Well, I guess I prefer that, rather than be generic like everyone else. You might tell me to just dismiss all these thoughts about myself and just be who I am. You might tell me that God is with me and He loves me, that I truly know, but I don’t think He intervenes and makes a step in an instant.

Please do share your thoughts about this. Thanks.

No Matter What


NoMatterWhat

No matter what, my child, I will be.

“Will you be?,” I questioned the Lord,
“Will there be nothing that could separate us and break us apart?
I am still haunted by the echoes in my head.
I am still tearing down myself from all these thoughts.
I am being clouded by fearful imaginations,
That the day might come when I will fail you, Lord.
And that I might not stand in front of you,
That you would reject me.”

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