Well On My Way By Now


kaylan_onmyway

Everyday, these past few months, I just seem to always go back to square one. Not knowing what to be, not knowing what to do. Not making any significant progress and not mapping out a goal. It’s frustrating how looking back at the things I’ve written from when I first started the blog, it is all mostly still the same. There were improvements, sure, but generally looking back and assessing myself, there’s no huge progress toward the way I should be going.

How do I start? How do I keep up with the pace of it all?
At first I thought it was only about evading the guilt and pressure to be perfect and moral. And I’ve learned that it’s not all about that.
Lying deeper, there’s the realization of the reality of time. The need for improvement and change. To sustain myself and to accomplish whatever is worthwhile.
As time moves, so does the expectation to grow up rises.
I’m turning 20, and so, you probably know what I mean.
With growing up comes the challenges to remain in childlike faith, and trust. Because the message of self-reliance, working in huge volumes, setting goals and focusing on that…this message is prevalent.
Though, at some point it’s necessary to move that way. It’s right. I’ve known and seen with my own eyes how my ways aren’t working anymore. There are things in my life that need a 180 degree turn – things that won’t come by mere prayer. Things that require battle and work.
If it continues on and change doesn’t happen – then days could again turn to years, and with that comes the piling up of tasks and expectations, and a lot of catching up, regrets, and ultimately, more frustration.
Something’s got to change. Something’s got to give.
I need you God, more than ever. Help me.
I am relying on you, still. Patience works, and patience is effective. Help me do my part.
Painted by Lionel Penrose

The Endless Staircase


I remember a time in my life when I was innocent. When I was a child, I grew up far from the truth and reality of this world. Now I never knew how to cope up. Reality slowly dawns into me. The reality of our differences, the reality of life’s difficulties and all the questions and the darkness that was present that as a child I never really knew.

As a child, life seemed easier, everything so light, and nothing really mattered. I got all I wanted, and all that I needed, and I was pretty much happy. I loved the box I was in. But as I grew up, I found that life is more than those four corners alone. Life is complicated. At times, it can be hard on you. It was very uncomfortable coming out of the box and into the reality of the world.

It is a dog-eat-dog world. I found that life is a battle. A strife. For excellence, for success, for recognition. I found that there were a lot of teenagers who were better, smarter, and more reflexive. Teens who were more mature and strong than I was. I can compare life to a staircase– some at the top, some trying hard to get there, some helping others to reach that end.

            But where was I in that staircase? For some, they think of me as the person ahead of them; thinking that I know where I’m heading and they admire me for it.

            This is the world’s thinking of life. It’s about getting somewhere and reaching something.think of me as someone in the bottom, not really understanding life yet that much and not excelling the way I should. I couldn’t rank myself where I am in that staircase. At times, I think I’m at the top, at times, at the bottom.

I, however, did not go along this belief in life. I questioned myself, and didn’t really want to climb or reach anything. For me, it didn’t matter. I had dreams, I had goals and wants, but I questioned those, too. I figured I never really wanted it, since it wouldn’t matter if I couldn’t please the people around me with it. I wanted to make a statement about myself, but I couldn’t . I always followed what the others did, and so now…

I don’t know what I want.

When every teenager out there are firm in themselves, what they wanted and what they believed in, I, on the other hand, am not. I wanted to be like them – carefree and letting themselves flow with the river. But, I couldn’t do that.

I climb the stairs, not to prove myself, but to be loved and understood  and shaped to be the man that I haven’t become yet.

I wanted others to hear me out, to be interested in me, and to value me as somebody dear to them.

Time goes by. No one truly did those things for me. There were a few, but there were things like betrayal, disconnection, and selfishness that got in the way.

No one stepped out so that they could shape me and carry me. I still feel like a misguided child.

Then, one day, I just learned and told myself, “Why not just stop climbing?”. Why not just stop tiring yourself out for things that wouldn’t even really matter at all in the end?

Painted by Lionel Penrose  If I may find that I reach the top of the stairs – I’ll find that the stairs are actually endless.

And so at this moment, I am in no mood to climb or just do anything at all, for I know I’m not strong enough.

You may not understand me or what I think.Well, I guess I prefer that, rather than be generic like everyone else. You might tell me to just dismiss all these thoughts about myself and just be who I am. You might tell me that God is with me and He loves me, that I truly know, but I don’t think He intervenes and makes a step in an instant.

Please do share your thoughts about this. Thanks.

Dreams and Aspirations


It’s not at all bad to dream. I don’t really have any drive to keep up my own ones, but here are a few dreams I have that I wanted to accomplish:

1.) Direct/produce a short film/music video. With casts consisting of peoples that I know of – my friends. That would be such a great fulfillment and such an awesome thing to make right now. I’d love to produce one while I’m young, since I clearly have the resources, but it would be difficult to get the willingness from my friends. But, just a 3-minute short film/music video could be well.

2.) Learn how to dance and present one. Oh, man, this has been a dream. I have danced a few times (group presentations), but I’m not really that good. I want to learn, but I’m not really close friends with anyone who knows how to dance. The dance genre I would prefer would be a hiphop/interpretative. Well…I participated in a group hiphop dance to Ryan Leslie’s “Gibberish” once, too bad there’s no video of it. ^_^

3.) Create a video game. Something that many would love and something simple. I have made a few once, (a WC3 map named “Panda Wars” and Fire Emblem rom hacks) but it was indeed time-consuming. I almost had my claim to fame with Panda Wars, but my partner and I didn’t really do well with it and so I trashed the whole map, unfortunately. Well, everything happened for a purpose, still.

4.) Meet an artist in person. Not really on top of my list, but if I get the chance, I’d love to meet some of my favorite artists in person. Let’s see, I want to meet my favorite singers – Mike Donehey (Tenth Avenue North), AJ Cheek (Nevertheless), and Matthew Thiessen (Relient K). Josh Wilson, Brandon Heath and Ryan Key (Yellowcard). I don’t know if I’d get that chance, though. ^_^

5.) Finish a novel/comics/story. I never really get the inspiration, though. I want to start one, but it’s just not yet flowing through at the moment. Well, I wanted to meet someone who could collaborate with me, but apparently, there’s none yet.

6.) Eat! I want to travel to different restaurants and get to taste different dishes. I don’t have the money yet, but this is one of my aspirations. Hopefully, I’ll gain weight then.

So those are all of it, I guess.

* Oh, I went back to my documents in early 2009 and found that I’ve written something like this before, and 7 of those have already been fulfilled now. That’s great!

I’m learning to not fear what might happen in my future, and I’m learning to not trust in what my hands do to gain that good future. It’s all God. He’ll never let go of me. So I’ll just go ahead and dream. Some dreams may not come true, but still, it’s alright. :)