Subsiding


“Somebody! Help!”

I managed to shout as my boat is being thrown away by the vagrant waves and the powerful storm. There was no sight of any land. No sight of other sailboats. Besides – who would be foolish enough to be setting sail during a storm?

I was.

All because of my foolish misconceptions and taking hold of my ideals, I shall face the death that I may not be ready to face yet.

With my right hand, I hold tightly to the remaining portions of my boat. In the other, my arm holds firmly to my prized possessions. I could not just die here…I could not. All hope was lost at the sight of a tidal wave, and it was history from there.

Down I went, into the ocean, sinking deep.

How come I did not foresee the tragedy before me?

I begin to feel the chaos within me, the discomfort and the fear, as I slowly descend to the seabed. I questioned the feeling of death still not creeping me. This seemed different.

The sounds of the storm, and the crashing of the waves from above – I could no longer hear.

The salty waters of the ocean I breathe into my lungs. Air, I could no longer find.

The possessions I carried, all of them far from my hands’ reach. All that I have worked hard for, it has drowned the same.

As I drown deep into the waters, I notice that…I’m losing what I know about myself.

I’m losing my knowledge, my identity. My reputation, my pride, my sorrows…all of me.

It is as if all of it flees away from me…all of it…sinking deep.

Everything I know, goes down and fades away.

All that I keep, and all that I sow, everything I have kept–with me, they sink so low.

I see everything of it fade away, as I no longer knew myself. Only then…did that light arrive and start to mend my soul. It felt weird…but I had a different kind of peace that I did not know existed.

That time, when I was down the ocean, subsiding… it all changed.

I’m alive again…

Continue reading

Side of the Coin


So, really quite idle these days. Nothing much going on, nothing much happening. Nothing exciting or there’s no movement on my behalf. It’s just how it is. I don’t know what’s bad or good with that, or if truly – “or” is indeed an option in “yes or no”.

I guess I just got used to being idle. I wasn’t truly used to doing… anything at all. Working. Getting my hands up, taking up a wrench and fixing things. Those sort of stuff. I’m not exactly physically well-built either. It’s all side tracks from there.

I don’t know if I should:
a.) Do something “big” while I’m young, while my bones are still working. Make a big impact. Paint a big mark here in this world and end up with a legacy. Movement. Action. The negative thing on this, is that, I wasn’t used to it. I wasn’t used to getting worked up, and neither is my surroundings allowing it.
b.) All I need is to wait, be still, let things flow, and let things happen, without any resisting force from any side. Rest. Peace. Calm, for everything will be fine.

That sort of contradiction.

Well…which side of the coin should drop down?

Time is surely passing by, and many of you would probably choose choice “a” anyway. But, here I am, still thinking through things. What might happen if I just sit still and wait, unminding anything at all, whether it be lost time, my age going up (I’ll be 18 in the 18th of February), or what.

I need your voice on this.
Thanks.
-tacticianjenro

Old Ramblings


There came this one day when I was looking back to my older files: text files, documents, ramblings, stuff from way back–and then I found this file written with my thoughts. I saw the date and it was modified way back in May 26, 2009, when I was 15. That’s more than 2 years ago.

So here are its contents:

It’s really an awesome thing to write down everything that happens to your life. But when you think about how lame and bland your life is, nothing comes in your mind when you write. Giving up slowly, wasting time with things.
I should change now. Be like the guys out there who just have fun, unminding every situation happening in their lives at the moment—how poor they are, how they’re out of money and just take their time on playing basketball and playing worthless outdoor games.
But really, it’s hard to change your life; it’s hard to change your mind to things that you want.
What I really want? To have fun. I’m wasting my teenage life.
But when I try to have fun, I end up being sad instead. So who to knock on? Which door?
God.
Yes, God. That guy I failed. He loves me, yet I’m so confused and so tired to love him back.
I know what He’s going to do, I know His plans—a long time ago at that, but changing your thoughts, or simply renewing your mind is difficult.
Yes, you understand that. You’re some effeminate guy who’s struggling to be what you want, but what you aren’t and you try to seek God and have a hard time because you’re trying to be…what you are not.
The truth sucks.
It sucks badly.
I want to be like every guy. I want to have fun, I want to hang out (in a decent manner, for your info) in streets and by houses, having the best time of my life—while there’s still time.
I can’t.
I want to be free.
So damn. I wanna be a better version of me, so I can finally seek You. ‘Coz right now, I can’t. I’m shot down to the floor, and I can’t get up.

End of .doc file.

At that time, I was really pressuring myself. I felt sooo damn pressured by my own insecurities and the people around me. That’s why I wanted to have fun and ignore that pressure. But…I couldn’t. I just couldn’t seem to be happy. I couldn’t be like every other teenager, who I thought once had what they needed (confidence, appeal, etc).
The church, the family, the voices in my head keeps saying that I’m not good enough, that I’m never better, and that my struggles can’t get me qualified to approach God. And I fail Him that time. I was ignoring Him, I wasn’t praying, I was procrastinating and being complacent.
I remember that one time, when I was 13, when one preacher got me to flooding tears because of how hurting, condemning and downright “challenging” his words on the pulpit were. So, his words weren’t directly being said to me, but they hurt so much because I know it’s me. I know it’s me who’s not good enough. I know it’s me who’s not in the capability to be what he was telling the church to be. What did I feel? I felt pity for myself. I wasn’t meeting the requirements.
And that’s when I decided to just ignore God since I wasn’t “qualified enough to be Christian”.
And you know… that just might be what a lot of those who couldn’t come to God are thinking of right now. That they don’t seem to be “qualified” at all.
Months and years pass, and it’s all me, enthralling myself in a computer game, developing a game as well, ignoring God and just letting myself go with the flow, but still keeping myself seem good at the same time.
It was April of 2010 when I decided to recommit myself to God, but I was still pressured. I still didn’t feel at ease. Recommitting myself didn’t seem to work out, and looking at the outcome of churches these days, that doesn’t seem to be the point either.
I was desperately trying to find my way back again. I was straying far from God, and then I would go back to Him, vice versa. I thought He’d smite me whenever I make a mistake, or He’d even blot my name out. My image of Him had been distorted. The struggle to obtain God’s approval didn’t seem to end.

And only until now (of recent), have I realized, that we are already approved.
That, we are already found. We are already made new.
That…it’s Jesus’ blood who’s finished it all for us who believe.
And only until now have I realized how Christianity is so twisted and far from the FREEDOM and GRACE that Christ offers.
I look around and I hear messages like “go and be better”, “renew your commitment”, “prove yourself”, and “do good works”. None of it I could associate with the word FREEDOM.
But we are already free. It is Christ who did all the qualifying for us.
Christ is the Hope, Hope, that God is a loving God, and a God who keeps us wrapped in His arms, and never ever has any intentions of letting us go.
But, I’m still trying to grasp that, entirely. I’m still trying to break from the pressures I have from my mind saying “I still ain’t in the right direction.”, “I still have to qualify.”, That “I’m still such a sinful miscreant.”
But those are lies…Lies that I still seem to believe.
Still, it is Jesus’ blood that keeps us. We don’t have to prove a thing. We need to truly believe, to live by faith in Him and what He has accomplished for us.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” -Galatians 2:20

I know those thoughts I had in 2009 are still in my mind right now at some point. My journey seems like a weird, confusing, and one filled with doubts and fear….I want them to just go away. But, we’ll see what happens. God is still in control.

No Matter What


NoMatterWhat

No matter what, my child, I will be.

“Will you be?,” I questioned the Lord,
“Will there be nothing that could separate us and break us apart?
I am still haunted by the echoes in my head.
I am still tearing down myself from all these thoughts.
I am being clouded by fearful imaginations,
That the day might come when I will fail you, Lord.
And that I might not stand in front of you,
That you would reject me.”

Continue reading

Childhood Memories and Beginnings


How did I start with art and writing? What were my first works and who was the 'yami-joey' of deviantart back then?

I started with my deviantart account when I was 13 years old. Our cousin introduced both me and my sister to dA.

I became a bit known in dA for my fan-comics to the GBA games in the “Fire Emblem” series, where I made JASFEC (Just A Simple Fire Emblem Comic).

Those were good days since I had a lot of faves and comments. Well, I sure did know how to make good humor back then. :P

But the sad thing happened when my comics got deleted from dA and our PC got reformatted,

and all my JASFECs just disappeared which is really very sad.

Years before that, when I was younger, in 2nd or 3rd grade,

I have been making my own comics and interactive notebook games.

I created the comic series entitled “Timmy”, about the “Tim family” which is a family-adventure-humor sort of comic.

However those notebooks I’ve written in were thrown off. >_< I spilled out a lot of CREATIVE JUICE which was quite sad…

When I got my own GBA, I got hooked on games like Final Fantasy Tactics Advance (I’ve written a PS2 sequel to that),

Harvest Moon (I married Elli), Pokemon, and my top favorites were Fire Emblem and Advance Wars

(Turn-Based Strategy FTW). I’ve written fan-stories and a lot more fan-fiction about these games.

So there you have it, my younger years. Right now, I kind of wished I were still back there.

There are things that you just couldn’t change and come back to any longer…