He opens his eyes and welcomes the brand new day. He rises up and kneels down on the ground, at the side of his own bed. He knew that talking to God was a wise thing to do to start with his day.
“God,” he begins.
He lets out a sigh. He doesn’t really know if he’s praying right.
“God, thank you for everything…thank you for your gift of life, thank you for all the blessings… and…”
He stops for a while, and seems to be angry at himself; for what he’s feeling, perhaps…
“God…can I be honest with you?”
He paused a while, breathing in and out, closing his eyes, voicing out to God with all he could.
“How do I even communicate with you? Is this right?” he continues, his words shaking, “I don’t know. I’m afraid you might be mad if I said something wrong, if I said something that would insult you… something that’s not such a respectful approach. But, God, I’m tired… It’s time I became truly honest. Oh no…would you even still love me?”
Ugh. This is difficult. He thinks to himself. God, I don’t know.
But he begins to speak his prayer again. “Lord, I don’t know what to ask. Strength? Wisdom? Financial provision? I don’t know… it doesn’t seem to make sense at all. Am I even praying to you in a right way?”
“God, I ask you to be more open to me, and to share yourself so I could know how very real you are… I know, I doubt you sometimes, Lord. I doubt myself. I don’t know if my faith is even authentic or if I’m just fooling myself with what I’m saying right now. But… I have a lot of fears and frustrations. I’m just so at a conundrum right now…
“God, I know you’re there. You’ve said so. You’ll never leave me, nor forsake me. I don’t know how I can make it, continuing like this… I know, people might think I’m foolish, or people might try to correct me, or rebuke me, or try to fix my broken pieces… well, I don’t want to feel this way at all, yet going against it just seemed harder.
“I don’t feel fine at all.”
He pauses after that, not knowing what to say anymore. It’s just so hard to pray when you just don’t feel like it… It’s just not right. I don’t feel right. I don’t feel as if I’m in a position to even approach Him right now…
I feel like a hypocrite, keeping myself together, when I actually feel like I’m fooling myself. I’m a sinner. I’m an idiot.
He rises up from his kneeling, and decides to start his day, but then, at some point, he still wanted to speak to God… he had to. He knew he needed to.
“God,” he began to pray again, kneeling on the floor, “God. Despite of all that I feel, despite of all my questions…despite everything…I’ll still believe that you love me. I’ll still believe that you’ll pull me through all this. So, please, please stay with me. Please, God, be with me and never let me go. I don’t know… I’m not being a good son. I’m not being a good worshipper. I feel terrible. So, please, God, never let go….
Please…never let go.
Is this enough? Is this right? Is this how I should pray?
“In Jesus’ mighty Name. Amen.”
He got up, and worked up a forced smile. Better get ready for school.
But, wait, He thought. He went for the Bible near his bed, and opened it, his eyes automatically set on the verse he saw, highlighted by a marker – Philippians 1:6. And he read it aloud.
“He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”
He smiled. That was a good enough encouragement.
God, I trust you.
He went out of his bedroom, and down the stairs, ready to face the world.
Notes: This is a short story I wrote. The man was being honest to God about how he felt, and so am I… His prayer is all my heart has been shouting all the while. I’m covered with doubt and anxiety, though I know I shouldn’t be. It feels as if I haven’t reached where I should be yet. But, like the man in the story, he trusted God and just as Philippians 1:6 says, he’ll complete whatever he has finished.
It may sound as if it’s an excuse to not do anything (since Jesus will complete me anyway), and I’m still questioning myself whether I am right with this or not, but I have to just trust Him. I don’t need to try or seek insurance, because it’s Jesus alone who saves me! Not my good works, not my actions, not who I am. Though I am shaking, and fearful, because of the knowledge of how terrible I am, I… I still don’t know. I still need to find out. I still need to see whether I am in the light, or whether I have to get to some level or reach some floor to truly say that “I am in the light”.
So, thanks for reading all of this. It’s just me being honest. ^_^
No Matter What
A Thinking Story
Times of Honesty