Sloppy World

(Written in a fictional character’s perspective. This isn’t me! Be warned: Much drama ahead.)

She held my hand. She was the little child, who used to giggle at the little things that filled her with glee. The little child, wielding crayons as a weapon of wonder and innocence, creating her sloppy world of red, blue and green.

“This is our house. And the sky, the clouds and the birds! This is our family! Mommy and daddy, and I’m in between them and there’s a heart-shape, because we love each other!”

He held my hand. He was the little child, who used to walk undaunted, full of awe and a sense of adventure. Breeding stories of knights, monsters–under the bed covers, scribbling over notebooks, creating his sloppy world of thick streaks of lead with subtle shades of grey..all coming from a tiny pencil.

“He’s going to be a hero! He’s going to save the world from evil! No one is gonna have to deal with evil ever again because he’ll be there.”

That day would come..when she’ll cling tight to mommy’s leg, as though something was wrong.

And he would, too…he would do the same. He knew something wasn’t right. What that exactly was – who knows. Maybe a child like him just doesn’t have the words to explain.

“What’s wrong, dear?”

She would say a few words. He would stay silent, sometimes.

And from there, they had gradually let go of my hand. They had slowly faded away..leaving with a bright sparkle of light, fading towards the end of nothing.

And now all around me was vivid, multi-dimensional. All around me was the bigger picture filled with color…A world no longer made of crayons, no longer of lead coming from this tiny pencil.

“What’s wrong, dear?”

“Nothing. Oh–nothing!” I flinched, as I snapped out of my daydreaming.

Hours go by and the bell finally rings. Everyone would singlehandedly agree that this moment was what the class had all been waiting for. Now I could go home and play Pokemon, then get back to watching that 50th anniversary special.

Everyone else… I think they would be doing the same.

 

Author’s Notes

This isn’t something to be taken literally, but with a lot of understanding.

Don’t Walk Away

Art by Tactician Jenro

Note: This post is not for the people who strongly dislike emotions and unneeded honesty.

So many friends they come and go

“Please don’t walk away”

When mistakes are made, can’t be undone

“Please don’t walk away”

When brothers throw you down a pit for a few coins

“Please don’t walk away”

When you don’t meet their expectations

“Please don’t walk away”

Love, Death, and a Spider named Glow

This is all a true story.

It was an ordinary morning at one of my classes at school.  That time when I was in my seat, I found this tiny spider resting at my shoulder. I have never seen anything like it. I especially love his color. I named the spider Glow.

I was thinking of bringing the little dude home, but I didn’t have some place to keep him. Well, I was so amazed. I have never been so enthralled at a spider like this ever…in fact I never really liked crawling creatures.

When I stood up to move, I feared that he would flee, but when I came back to my seat again, he was still there. There were times when he would fall off my clothes and into the floor, but I would pick him up again.

Subsiding

“Somebody! Help!”

I managed to shout as my boat is being thrown away by the vagrant waves and the powerful storm. There was no sight of any land. No sight of other sailboats. Besides – who would be foolish enough to be setting sail during a storm?

I was.

All because of my foolish misconceptions and taking hold of my ideals, I shall face the death that I may not be ready to face yet.

With my right hand, I hold tightly to the remaining portions of my boat. In the other, my arm holds firmly to my prized possessions. I could not just die here…I could not. All hope was lost at the sight of a tidal wave, and it was history from there.

Down I went, into the ocean, sinking deep.

How come I did not foresee the tragedy before me?

I begin to feel the chaos within me, the discomfort and the fear, as I slowly descend to the seabed. I questioned the feeling of death still not creeping me. This seemed different.

The sounds of the storm, and the crashing of the waves from above – I could no longer hear.

The salty waters of the ocean I breathe into my lungs. Air, I could no longer find.

The possessions I carried, all of them far from my hands’ reach. All that I have worked hard for, it has drowned the same.

As I drown deep into the waters, I notice that…I’m losing what I know about myself.

I’m losing my knowledge, my identity. My reputation, my pride, my sorrows…all of me.

It is as if all of it flees away from me…all of it…sinking deep.

Everything I know, goes down and fades away.

All that I keep, and all that I sow, everything I have kept–with me, they sink so low.

I see everything of it fade away, as I no longer knew myself. Only then…did that light arrive and start to mend my soul. It felt weird…but I had a different kind of peace that I did not know existed.

That time, when I was down the ocean, subsiding… it all changed.

I’m alive again…

Greyskeil Stories #1 – When I’m Alone

Note: This is a short story I’ve worked on. Happy new year, everyone.

He’s at his room, and everyone else in his family was out. There he was, sitting cross-legged on his bed, head rested on the wall, staring at the ceiling…thinking.

Sigh. The silence. It’s not that pretty much a good thing, I guess.

I used to be so accustomed…to silence. Yet now, it is all but a harsh thing to deal with. It was a gap that needed to be filled. That’s why it feels so uncomfortable…

Back then, I was used to the stillness. I find its comfort a sweet treat during all my times. Yet now…it’s different. Things change and time moves by.

Back then, when things with God seemed so clear…so simple. Now it’s full of confusion. I don’t know which road to take…

He was always thinking, always had those gears in his mind moving – rotating and winding.

There was a lot of discomfort in that aloneness.

Should I do something? Like, work on a long-time goal?
This stillness is getting uncomfortable.
So, who am I, when I’m alone?
Who am I in this distinction, of being locked up in a cage where it’s all me and myself riding the mount towards the path of life?

He knew he seemed crazy. He knew that no ordinary person would be questioning himself with such matters. Perhaps he was just way too introspective. Perhaps…he was just way too confused and psycho.

To break the silence – there it was, his phone, ringing on the end table. He discarded his thoughts for a while and immediately answered the phone.

“Hello? Jenro?”

He knew who it was immediately.

“Oh, Munin. It’s you, as always…uh, glad you called.” Jenro said. Forming a smile on his face.

“Yeah. Sure. What’s up, man?”

Jenro stood from the bed, and walked towards the window to catch some signal.

“There’s no one at home, and I’m just…thinking out loud here. It’s kind of weird.”

“Figures, Jenro,” Munin replied, “I remember when you used to be so acquainted with your aloneness. I remember you muddled at a corner when we were younger, always mysterious and still. So calm.”

“Yeah…I kind of like myself in that way, rather than now. I’ve certainly changed Munin. I’m losing that acquainted feeling…I have… with my aloneness.”

With that, Jenro breathed a sigh.

“I’m sorry if I’m not able to be there, like, right now…I’ve got errands.”

“No, no, that’s fine. Thanks a lot.”

“Sure. If you need help, I’ll be right here.”

“Thanks again, Munin.”

With that, Munin ended the call.

Phew. Now, what to do?

Jenro put down the phone and looked at himself in the mirror. He just…looked at himself. He saw…how different he was. How he changed through the years.

I’ve changed, huh? I mean. I look different. I act…a little bit different. It’s quite a shaky thought, really…

As Jenro was looking, the doorbell rang. He went downstairs to see who it was.

It was Jethro, one of his cousins.

“Jenro. Hi.”

“Jeth. What brought you here?”

Jethro cleared his throat, before speaking. “I kind of felt like I wanted to check up on you, so I did. You know, jjust wondered if you wanted to talk about things, or share a deep conversation.”

Jenro smiled. He liked deep conversations.

Jenro motioned Giosef inside his house, and both of them sat on their living room sofa.

“All alone?” Jeth mentioned.

“Yeah. Well, partly. I’ve still got God with me, remember?” Jenro said, putting up a smirk.

What Jenro and his cousin had in common was their same faith-roots, and they had almost agreed about everything concerning faith. They were both from a Christian family, and Jenro always liked talking to his cousin.

“You’re right. God will never leave us. He’s a faithful God.” Jeth said, “So what you thinking about as of recent?”

Jenro thought about his words. “Well, as of recent, I’ve been think about…umm…changing. You see…I’m…not that kind of person that I was before.

“There are a lot of things that I’ve went through, and a lot of stuff that I’ve adapted to bring forth the change within me, and I don’t know if that’s positive or negative, at all.” Jenro added.

“I get your point.” Jeth nodded.

“I still feel weak. I still feel as if I’m not strong enough…to overcome these things. I’m caught between having the will to fight them, or just letting them be and just doing nothing, waiting, for God to make His way into these changes.”

“And what are those changes within you that’s been springing?”

“First off, I’ve lost my acquaintance to being by myself. That stillness that I once had isn’t there anymore. Second, I’ve been a lot more frustrated and I’ve been worrying a lot…especially about this thing about faith and God, and about my salvation. It’s making me grow thinner, and lose my appetite a lot more.”

“But, Jenro…you have nothing to worry about. We can’t earn salvation. It’s a free gift, and it’s God alone who keeps it.”

“But, I want to make sure…but then, I’m still doubting a lot. I’m doubting myself so much, thinking that I’m not good enough for Him. Something tells me I shouldn’t dismiss these thoughts either.”

“OK…before I talk, do you have any more concerns?” Jeth asked.

“Well…yeah. Third, I’m sort of…pressured. I know I’m not doing my best, especially for my family. Something makes me feel guilty about the little things. Dad thinks I should be more tough. But, I’m…not…”

“Anything else?”

“Well…”

“There must be something.” Jeth said, affirming Jenro, “You don’t have to be afraid about me knowing it.”

“Okay. Jeth…it’s about…my thoughts….somehow, my mind digs into…places. Places which I shouldn’t be moving into. I don’t know…it’s…it’s just…..”

Jenro sighed. And his heart felt a lot burdened by all that he said. He knew he couldn’t keep up with himself. He knew he couldn’t keep up with the people’s expectations of him. It’s hard, and he just felt his heart filled with so much weight.

“Jenro…listen.” Jeth held Jenro’s arm tightly, and looked him straight in the eyes.

Jenro tried to look back at his cousin, but he couldn’t.

“Jenro…this is not about you.”

“This is not about…what you should do. It’s not about what you should change… It’s not about trying harder to be better, to be more right than where you are now. Of course, the people around you may pressure you, to insist what they want that you just couldn’t.

“Jenro. All you need to do is rest. That’s what Jesus said to the weary and broken. You don’t have to do anything. Believe that God loves you so much. He will never do anything bad to you. He will never send His wrath upon you for the things that you do. Stop focusing on your sins, your shortcomings, and focus on the glory that is revealed in Christ Jesus, who gave up His life, to clothe you with rigtheousness. To make you right before God.

“You are a new creation now.”

Through all of Jeth’s words, Jenro was thinking deep. He knew…he just couldn’t seem to believe that. There’s something in his heart that makes it so hard…so hard to swallow.

Even if he wants to…even if he knows it’s the way through all this.

“Jeth, I… I can’t seem to get myself to believe that…” Jenro said, “I’ve heard it many times, but, I just, I can’t seem to–to get myself to a point where that’s what I breathe. I can’t seem to prove it…”

“Don’t try to prove it, because you’ll only hurt yourself. Rest and believe in God’s Grace. Allow His Grace, His Love, to complete you, and to know, and to experience that…you are loved.”

Jenro frowns. He knows all of that already. He has that realization about Grace as much, yes, but–there’s something wrong.

“I don’t know.” Jenro just shakes his head.

 

A Prayer Story

He opens his eyes and welcomes the brand new day. He rises up and kneels down on the ground, at the side of his own bed. He knew that talking to God was a wise thing to do to start with his day.

“God,” he begins.

He lets out a sigh. He doesn’t really know if he’s praying right.

“God, thank you for everything…thank you for your gift of life, thank you for all the blessings… and…”

He stops for a while, and seems to be angry at himself; for what he’s feeling, perhaps…

“God…can I be honest with you?”

He paused a while, breathing in and out, closing his eyes, voicing out to God with all he could.

“How do I even communicate with you? Is this right?” he continues, his words shaking, “I don’t know. I’m afraid you might be mad if I said something wrong, if I said something that would insult you… something that’s not such a respectful approach. But, God, I’m tired… It’s time I became truly honest. Oh no…would you even still love me?”

Ugh. This is difficult. He thinks to himself. God, I don’t know.

But he begins to speak his prayer again. “Lord, I don’t know what to ask. Strength? Wisdom? Financial provision? I don’t know… it doesn’t seem to make sense at all. Am I even praying to you in a right way?”

God, please.

“God, I ask you to be more open to me, and to share yourself so I could know how very real you are… I know, I doubt you sometimes, Lord. I doubt myself. I don’t know if my faith is even authentic or if I’m just fooling myself with what I’m saying right now. But… I have a lot of fears and frustrations. I’m just so at a conundrum right now…

“God, I know you’re there. You’ve said so. You’ll never leave me, nor forsake me. I don’t know how I can make it, continuing like this… I know, people might think I’m foolish, or people might try to correct me, or  rebuke me, or try to fix my broken pieces… well, I don’t want to feel this way at all, yet going against it just seemed harder.

“I don’t feel fine at all.”

He pauses after that, not knowing what to say anymore. It’s just so hard to pray when you just don’t feel like it… It’s just not right. I don’t feel right. I don’t feel as if I’m in a position to even approach Him right now…

I feel like a hypocrite, keeping myself together, when I actually feel like I’m fooling myself. I’m a sinner. I’m an idiot.

He rises up from his kneeling, and decides to start his day, but then, at some point, he still wanted to speak to God… he had to. He knew he needed to.

“God,” he began to pray again, kneeling on the floor, “God. Despite of all that I feel, despite of all my questions…despite everything…I’ll still believe that you love me. I’ll still believe that you’ll pull me through all this. So, please, please stay with me. Please, God, be with me and never let me go. I don’t know… I’m not being a good son. I’m not being a good worshipper. I feel terrible. So, please, God, never let go….

Please…never let go.

Is this enough? Is this right? Is this how I should pray?

“In Jesus’ mighty Name. Amen.”

He got up, and worked up a forced smile. Better get ready for school.

But, wait, He thought. He went for the Bible near his bed, and opened it, his eyes automatically set on the verse he saw, highlighted by a marker – Philippians 1:6. And he read it aloud.

“He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”

He smiled. That was a good enough encouragement.

God, I trust you.

He went out of his bedroom, and down the stairs, ready to face the world.

Notes: This is a short story I wrote. The man was being honest to God about how he felt, and so am I… His prayer is all my heart has been shouting all the while. I’m covered with doubt and anxiety, though I know I shouldn’t be. It feels as if I haven’t reached where I should be yet. But, like the man in the story, he trusted God and just as Philippians 1:6 says, he’ll complete whatever he has finished.

 It may sound as if it’s an excuse to not do anything (since Jesus will complete me anyway), and I’m still questioning myself whether I am right with this or not, but I have to just trust Him. I don’t need to try or seek insurance, because it’s Jesus alone who saves me! Not my good works, not my actions, not who I am. Though I am shaking, and fearful, because of the knowledge of how terrible I am, I… I still don’t know. I still need to find out. I still need to see whether I am in the light, or whether I have to get to some level or reach some floor to truly say that “I am in the light”.

 So, thanks for reading all of this. It’s just me being honest. ^_^

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Related posts:
No Matter What
A Thinking Story
Times of Honesty

No Matter What

No matter what, my child, I will be.

“Will you be?,” I questioned the Lord,
“Will there be nothing that could separate us and break us apart?
I am still haunted by the echoes in my head.
I am still tearing down myself from all these thoughts.
I am being clouded by fearful imaginations,
That the day might come when I will fail you, Lord.
And that I might not stand in front of you,
That you would reject me.”